4 things

So today I drove down to uncg!! I'm really happy to be down here again. It's becoming really clear what I need here and what I need to stay away from. That is definatly a benifit of coming down here. I couldn't see clearly before. When I left this morning my mom told me four things that I needed to do this week.
1. Be good
2. Eat
3. Take medicine
4. Call mommy
yes it's funny... she made me repeat it over and over again. then she pop-quized me. It's just so hard to look at that list and take it seriously. Those things are essentially what a lot of my mistakes here can be boiled down to. Well... the day was long. I'm seeing my school and my friends in a whole different perspective. I'm going to go to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a nice day with everybody.

can you please stick this needle in my arm?

Okay so the past yesterday and today have been weird. So i went to the pratt for my appointment. Basically names got mixed up and I only ended up with about 20 mins for my appointment. It wasn't dr. walsh, it was dr. wahls. She was kind of a bitch but so am I so hey, things worked out. She basically told me that I need to get my blood taken because she want's to make sure that I don't have a thyroid problem. Also she wants me to get a bone density scan because she thinks I look sick. She was very annoying. Then I went to a shop in towson with my mom. The store had bunches of lilly in it so it def was a good stop. I finally slep last night... probably because I took my old sleeping meds. Anyways, today I went to school and had a nutrition test. It wasn't hard so I got out pretty early. Then I went to the vampires to get my blood sucked. nbd. I had my bio lab today but for some reason i just reallyyy wanted to go see a movie. So I skipped class and went to see this movie called Hanna. I thought it was supposed to be scary but it really wasn't. It was good though. Oh, and my parents have to get my car checked before I go to north carolina because it's really acting up. It doesn't really like to turn on. So thats pretty much all that's happened. Mom told me to pork up so we dont get in an argument with shepard pratt about admitting me. HA. Ugh I'm so tired. bed time? 9:23? Sure.

Tuesday

Today was pretty average. I woke up to a monsoon and because of that monsoon there was no parking to be had in the garage!! and since i was already a little bit late (and because it's nutrition) I went to the gym to see michelle. After that we went to the lib "a bit. Then I went to my car which was parked forever away and sat in the back (my seats were down) and colored. I'm know I'm weird but it was fun. I bought these two "color yourself" disney princess posters yesterday for one dollar. It was a good time chillin in my car. The sun came out and it started to get warm in my car. Obviously this made me tired, because EVERYTHING makes me tired. So I ended up sprawled out in the back of my car sleeping for a solid 45 min. Then Michelle called and told me about free cookies and coffee!! I probably didnt sound too excited because I just woke up, but I drove over to the garage and ended up finding a really good parking spot! Then I met michelle and we got our cookies and coffee, but we had to wear drunk goggles first and walk on a line. It was a little obnoxious how terrible I was at walking. People probably thought I was trying to look like i couldn't walk, because I ran into one of the ladies running the event. But no, I am really that uncoordinated. Michelle had a meeting and I walked with her. Then before my 2:00 class we obvs got refills! cha chinggg. I reluctantly went to my ancient history class. I definatly wasn't in the mood but it ended up being a really good class! We talked about religion and philosophy for the first half and everybody got really into it. For the second half of class there were going to be some student presentations so I dipped out early. I came home and hung out. I made my big and gbig their birthday presents which look really great :) Now I'm just sittin in my bed waiting to get tired. I really really really want to hear from disney. It's making everything feel heavy, not knowing. Does that make sense? Well anyways, tomorrows the big day with Dr. Walsh!! I'm feeling optimistic. Gooood night.

my weekend

Okay... since i haven't posted in a while, I'll write this out by days...

Thursday- I went to school and had a bit of a freak out. I called my mom crying for no reason at all. she came to school and we went out for a bit before my next class which really helped. then I had work which is kind of a pain in the ass. Thursday was not my day. It really made it clear that I need to be re-evaluated. So we set up an appointment but unfortunatly at the infamous shepard pratt. We couldn't find anywhere else to go. Even worse, the Dr that I'm seeing (Dr. Walsh) is the one who admitted me to shepard pratt when I went inpatient. Talk about awkward. When I came home from work my parents asked me if I was feeling depressed because I wasn't doing good in school. I'm doing fine in school. I don't really know why but I just flipped out at them. I was yelling about how I can have a bad day without my being a complete faliure at everything I do. Needless to say, I took it out of hand but I just snapped. It was weird

Friday- I had school in the morning and work in the afternoon. I didn't go to bible study but instead ended up going to dinner at my grandparent's house. I met my grandmother's older sister for the first time. She's 80 and lives in california. She was so funny! Unlike my grandmother she drinks, curses, and tells dirty jokes. I was dying, it was so funny. I didn't neccisarily want to go to dinner at my grandparents because they usually stuff me full of food and I actually ate a pretty big lunch at work. It ended up being fine and when I came home I went to bed feeling pretty good.

Saturday- I finally got to sleep in!!! This never happens and it felt so, so good. When I woke up I felt a little relieved because for some unknown reason, I had come to the decision that I was going to quit my job. I don't feel like they treat me well there, they schedule me for litterally 27-29 hours a week, and the pay isn't even worth the gas money I spend to drive to the mall. All in all the job is stressing me out more than it is helping and I really just want to feel good again. My mother did NOT like this idea. She told me that I have a problem following through with things and that I was just giving up. I thought she was being a little rediculous and I told her that it just isn't worth the money and the stress. We were arguing about it on the way downstairs and my dad got involved in the conversation. He made some good points. He told me that I should talk to my manager and tell her that I need to be scheduled for no more that 20 hours a week. Then tell her that I really like the job but it's just not working out the way that I had hoped, especially with gas money, and that at the end of my semester I'm not going to be able to work here any more. That way it wont say that I "quit" but it will have retired my position or resigned with decent notice. I also had to tell my manager that I wouldn't be able to come in to work on Wednesday because I have a doctors appointment that I can't miss. If she fires me over that, then my next employer can just see that she fired me because I had a doctors appointment, and that is obviously an unreasonable expectation of priorities. I decided that I would take his advice and my mom then reminded me that I shouldn't make any big decisions right now because I'm not seeing things clearly. My depression is warping my vision of things and I should really wait until I get my medicines fixed. Then dad took me to starbucks and we went to the grocery store. When we came home I left right away to go to Michelle's modeling at Lord & Taylors and work after that. I had just enough gas to get to the bank so I could withdraw money and fill up my car. No surprise, the second I got to the bank they locked the doors and said that they were closed. There were litterally people inside still waiting in line but they wouldn't let me come in. I was so frustrated!! Why why why do I keep ending up in less than desirable situations. I called my dad and he graciously drove all the way out to clarksville and filled up my tank. From the gas station I hurried to the mall and made it just in time to see Michelle's show. She looked so great! Then I got to hang out with her, kim, amanda, lauren, laurens boyfried, vicki, and vicki's mom for a little bit before I went to work. I was supposed to be off of work at 10 but they're doing a new "floor set" and people came in at 9pm which made closing difficult so they asked me to stay until 11pm. I did and it wasn't too bad. At least I get more money. Apparently the floor set people didn't leave untill 8am! I'm sooo glad I didn't get scheduled for that. They did that Friday, Saturday, and are doing it right now until the morning.

Sunday (today)- I woke up on time to go to church, but I didn't end up going. Instead I hung out with my parents and just relaxed which was definatly needed. I went to work from 12-6pm (opening to closing on a sunday) I came home and my parents were at a tennis match. I was supposed to make dinner for myself but I ended up falling asleep in my bed and was woken up by my mom when they came home at 8 (an hour early) She made me an ommlette and cut up a grapefruit. My parents and I started to watch Iron Man II and I made a strawberry smoothie (yum) But we all got tired so we're hopefully going to finish watching it tomorrow. Anyways, I'm in bed now and I'm really tired. Tomorrow I have school and work. So nothing too exciting.

So that was my weird, but not so weird weekend. Hopefully my week is sunnier and a little bit happier!

This time I really mean it!

Okay, so I never posted like I said I was going to. I've been SO BUSY. I'm finally not closing tonight so I wont be home obnoxiously late! So look for more tonight! :)

To be continued...

I have a lot to say, (good and bad) but I am so freaking tired! So for the sake of the threads of mental health that are still in tact, I'm going to sleep. Look for more tomorrow!

Psyching Myself Out Of Success

So you know that I majorly effed up in school and haven't been to one of my classes in like, 2 weeks. I also didn't turn in the midterm. Normally, if I wanted to get back on track I would make up a really good lie or sob story and take what I can get from the teacher. This has always worked for me. I'm too good of a liar. Sometimes I start to believe myself. In an attempt to cut down on the lying, I e-mailed my teacher and told him... the truth...? First time I think I've ever done that. I told him that I didn't come in because I wasn't done with my paper. Then I didn't come in because I was afraid he wouldn't take my paper. Then I didn't come in because I've been gone for so long and coming back to the class would be scary especially when all the students would be like "where have you been?" "I thought you dropped the course" and things like that. For some reason these things paralyze me to the point of complete and total avoidance of the situation. I didn't get a response from him before class today, so SHOCK... i didn't go. But it gets better, I just looked in my e-mail and saw his response. I wish I could just give him a hug for understanding and being so kind when most would take advantage of the power that they posses.

No problem. I know how scary such things can be from my own time in school. For my class you can always hand stuff in late with no penalty. I'm anti hidden agendas and am just concerned with students undertanding of the subject matter.
New favorite teacher ever. Mercy is present when asked for with honesty. Life is bitchin'.. I am going to sleep well tonight.

Amazing Grace

No... not the song. God's grace is amazing. Sometimes things are just going so wrong and have gotten so tangled that you can't see a way out. Today was a rough day with work. I ended up calling and telling them that I couldn't come in even if they were mad. I guess I tried my best to be a "real. strong. woman." like an alpha is supposed to be and finally stood up for myself. It was really hard to do this. It may seem like a small thing, but there were phone calls, mom talks, and many many tears. But you know what? Today was blessed. It was exactly what I needed and the stress that I was going through was caused by doubting God's plan. I went to Les Miserables at Glenelg with best friend Michelle. I can't even tell you how beautiful it was. Music has always been something that has touched me and today I was reminded of that. I even got to see Mr. George whom I've known for my whole life and miss so so much. I ate dinner with some fabulous people and then watched a movie with Michelle, Amanda, and eventually their mom came to watch also. I relaxed. It was such a de-stressing thing and I really have no idea why but THAT movie with THOSE people right THEN was something i needed. I was definatly feeling better. But ohh my goodness did God put the cherry on top. On my way out Michelle and I stoped to look at the spring storm passing through. It's the first one of the year and we both love watching lighning. I can't tell you how amazing it was. Amanda and Kim came out too. (but kim got cold kind of quickly) We talked about life, and about God and how much he knows us. Thennn... we got totally creeped out by a car that had some kind of megaphone, it was something out of a horror film, seriously. Days like today can start out being average, there can be rough patches, but God is beautiful and everything he does is perfect. I feel like God gave me a hug today.

my lame weekend.

All week I look forward to the weekend. I get really excited on Thursdays because I only have one class on Friday at 8am so basically my weekend starts early! I guess I'm still used to not having a job because well, my weekends are no longer something to look forward to. On friday I had work from 3-8pm. Saturday I had work from 1-9pm, and today I work from 2:30-7:30. Yes, I'm making a lot of money and I don't hate my job but not only do I not have any time to relax, I barelly have enough time to do my schoolwork. Thanks to work I wasn't able to make one of the four showings of les mis at my old high school, which I really wanted to go to. Instead I get to talk to every single person who decides to walk through the doors of American Eagle. One of my jobs as a sales associate is to ask open ended questions. A lot of the time I'll ask "hey! what are you shopping for today?" and ohhh the answers. Some examples: "nothing, just browsing, just looking around, just seeing what you've got, no, something mumbled in a foreign language (usually asian or spanish), no thanks, blank stare, I'll ask you if I need help, I don't have any money, can I get an application", and once i was actually waved off by some old lady. So yeah my day is loads of fun. Then I get reemed out if I'm not talking to the people who clearly don't want my help. So I'm always either looking forward to my break, or to when my shift is over. We get a half hour break for every 5 hours that we work. Those half hours are so unbelievably quick. Sometimes they ask me to stay later then I was scheduled. I've yet to say no so they BETTER let me have a week off for spring break. Oh yeah! I'm going down south to see my sisters and my sister later this April. I'm really excited :) As for the rest of the week, my life looks like this:
Monday: school, bank, Dr's, Babysitting
Tuesday: school, work
Wednesday: school, essay writing time, maybe some decent sleep?!
Thursday: school, work
Friday: school, work, bible study, NOT driving down to greensboro to go to formal
Saturday: work, being bitter about formal
Sunday: work, looking at pictures from formal.

Yeah, I can't go to my sororities formal because i'm considered "alum" right now and in the new bylaws it says that we cant attend foral events. I can't tell you how pissed I was when I heard this. People are so fucking stupid sometimes. Yeah, alpha chi... this REALLY makes me want to come back next year, touched that you miss me so much...? There are a few girls who said i should just show up anyways because what is exec going to do? and THEY at least really want me there. I wouldn't want to ruin their precious formal with drama though, so I'm going down on my own terms to hang out with the girls who are real sisters.

I get so worked up some times. Shewwt. Ok well there is acid in my esophogus and it's really starting to annoy me. Gonna go paint my toe nails.

Jumping on the bandwagon

So, two of my most favorite people ever started blogging this week! Jen and Rachel are obviously inspirational and I decided that blogging was something that I want to try too! This is basically just going to be an online diary where I spell my thoughts out to anybody who's willing to listen. I'm 18 years old (almost 19) and I currently go to community college. First semester, I went to UNCGreensboro and I loved it. However, some menacing problems caught up with me and really effed up everything. I struggle with an eating disorder and depression. They are both a pain in my ass and if it wasn't for them sucking me back in, I would still be in North Carolina right now, probably enjoying the weather and driving to the carolina cup with my sisters. Oh yeah, I'm in a sorority. I am a sister of Alpha Chi Omega and couldn't love it more than I already do. This probably helps to explain the title of my blog because the lyre is a symbol of axo... also I lie alot. I lie to myself, to friends, and to family. I refuse to lie in this blog. I'm going to start practicing what I preach and be accountable to my actions and thoughts. I have a best friend and a weird family. I've applied for the Disney College Program and am currently pending. That being said I am always always always obssesivly checking my e-mail in hopes that I've gotten in. If I do get in, I'll get to spend the fall with my best friend in florida and have a mouse as my boss! How cool would that be?! So that's pretty much my life right now. I'm not particularly struggling with my eating disorder at this point. However, depression has been a problem yet and all my therapist wants me to be re-evaluated and have my meds increased. I'm okay with it, as long as I stop feeling like shit. Actually knowing that my slump has been because of something chemical and not because I generally suck has already made me feel a little better! Plus, spring is coming and I got my pay check last night, so that helps too. Okay, well thats all for now!