A New Week

I  slept a lot this weekend. Like, a LOT. Yesterday evening, I went over to a friends house and spent the day there today. Lots of waking hours! Woo! Anyways, this is what has been on my mind for the past hour: there's something very enticing about completely ruining your life. At least for me. Especially when things are going relatively well, there's always something alluring about jumping into another downward spiral. I know it probably sounds crazy. I don't know why I feel this way, and it's not like I want to feel this way. I just do. I'm really really good at messing things up. Some people don't really appreciate that as a talent, but not everybody is gifted at screwing up. There's something about the total disregard for concequences that I seem to have a knack for. So at times like these, when my mind is telling me to do stupid things, I just try to keep myself occupied. Whether it's sleeping, or doing something, anything, else, it's better than letting myself sit in my head for too long. If I did, I could probably talk myself into royally screwing up again. Oh if only my mind wasn't such a dangerous place sometimes.

lazy Wednesday

I woke up really early today. (at least for me) I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t done sleeping. In fact, I was really tired, and really comfortable in my bed. I’m glad that I got out of bed though. My mom had left for an appointment so I had a relaxing cup of coffee by myself and started my day off calmly. I went to Starbucks with Michelle and Amanda. I love coffee. Then we went shoe shopping and stopped at Home Goods, where I dropped off an application. Things have been really good lately. Things seem to be coming together. Which is a much needed change for me after this past year. I appreciate weeks like this as much as I can, but it’s hard for me to remind myself that things wont stay good forever. That scares me. I want things to be good for as long as they can, and I want to enjoy it! I don't want t think about how it’s not going to last. So I’m working on enjoying the present. And looking forward without fear. The future is something that I should be excited about! Actually, it reminds me of something I was taught when  I was learning to drive. If your car starts to spin out or you start to loose control, look at where you want to go. It’s guaranteed that if you look at the tree that you DON’T want to hit, you’re going to hit it. Or if you look at the oncoming cars obnoxious headlights, you’re going to start to gravitate towards them. Keep yourself focused on what you want to happen, envision yourself succeeding and your mind will take steps to getting there without you even recognizing it. I also think that to do that, you need a little faith with you at all times. All of that being said, I’m very much looking forward to this upcoming year. Things are lookin’ good.

I literally haven't posted in forever.

My life is weird. Today has been weird. Kind of sucky actually. It's not anybody's fault, I'm just not doing anything for myself. I've been in bed since I got home from Greensboro, which I went to visit over the weekend. I know it's just a small trip, but it's really hard for me to transition from there to here. It's weird going from constant stimulation and friends around me 24/7 to well... none of that. It also makes me kind of sad to know that so much is going on and I'm missing it. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home, and I have friends here. It's just different. I guess I'm lonely, which is weird because I'm normally very content by myself. Honestly, eating has been a little difficult. Mostly because I'm not doing anything, so I dont want to be sitting at home all day eating. Then that turns into me just basically not eating. I had dinner though and it was good. It's not that it's really eating disorder stuff, I just don't really have any motivation for anything. I hate it. I can't wait until Disney comes around so I can be around the 24/7 hustle and bustle of college life. Anyways, my day started out okay, got worse, and now is looking up again. It's always good to write things out. Also a boy just called me sweetheart, and if I don't include all of the confusion and anxiety around my love-life right now, then that makes me really happy. Every now and then pet names just make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Oh well, I guess that's all that I have to say for now :)